The title of this entry fits well with the way I feel.
When I started with music, as long as I could manage to write some cool rhymes or "luckily" land in sync with the beat — it made my day. I never thought any much further about the implications of what I was doing.
I was mostly coming from a regular job, and I hadn't always thought of my hobbies as being potential careers. Responsibilities. Failures. Those kept the more passionate parts of me on a leash.
Over the years however, I've observed myself change after each release. It wasn't that the releases necessarily improved (I think they did actually), but something in me gradually grew too. I wouldn't call it confidence. Maybe belief — belief in my abilities that I had been witnessing improve after each project, but also belief in life itself. I could hold onto my limited perspective about what was possible for me, if it comforted me anyway. But if I could do that, I could as well try thinking differently about what could be possible. Which means an actual "successful" "career" as an artist. Those words feel burdensome. By successful I simply mean following your heart's calling, and being supported by it while you do. And by career, I mean dedicating myself daily to these fields I have a hard time letting go of. These projects that make me wish we had more than just 24 hours in a day.
Discovering these changes in my overall understanding of life (and myself) tore open the realm of possibilities for me. And as it did, I realized just how much I have to do to keep up with this everburning passion that is artistry.
It wasn't always like that however.
In fact, I used to think I'd leap from those early days to the way I'm feeling now, as I type these words, just "eventually." My initial strategy wasn't wrong. I did what I could even when I had a hard time believing any of it mattered. That, in my opinion, is always worthy of praise. So if you're in such a place — if you're still trying no matter how sophisticated or not your approach is, good work!
Woah. It feels so good to write for myself. I can be as silly as I wish to be. I feel so free. This is MY PLACE!
But. I still played around for almost 3 whole years. Not much changed. I'd write lyrics. I'd record them. I'd send them to an engineer. I'd feel on top of the world enjoying my songs and sharing them with my circle, while occasionally getting help with placing them on playlists. And that was it.
I knew I had issues that needed my attention in how I worked. Loopholes in my early strategy. These issues would be confronted in my upcoming release "RUNNING CIRCLES." I will link it here once it's out.
As for the first one of them, I was terrified of mixing and mastering my own tracks. It felt overwhelming at the time because I was still learning about the basics of lyrics and performances. Just the sight of EQs, Compressors, the Hz, the Band, the High & Low Shelves. The endless knobs. I froze every time I thought of trying.
I had to do something about it. But since my releases were rarer this time, it wasn't that big of a deal to do music for my own fun, work with engineers from abroad (I need the quality) and cost me some pocket money overall.
Eventually however, the release frequency increased. Which meant more expenses on instrumentals and engineers. What could be so terrifying about mixing and mastering I wondered at that point? We all learn the same way. With patience.
That's when I decided to produce my very first track. So Much To Do. Today's hero.
I realized after working on this track just how much bandwidth I was wasting on nitty gritty details about music instead of focusing my energy on making the music itself. For some reason, deciding I'd learn to do it myself freed me up. Creatively speaking. And so, as soon as I heard the instrumental playing, I happened to "hear" the finished song in my mind. Wow. What was that?
I wrote the first few words that came to me. Then I had to give a skeleton to the vague melodies I was humming and singing. And in that evening, I recorded the lyrics. The song sounded good with my studio equipment. But now it was time to mix and master it.
When I began years ago, there was no AI. So I used the tool to my advantage. I fed it with the PDF manuals I got from my softwares, and asked it to help me write a step-by-step process for mixing like XYZ artists.
After some initial chaos, I finally was able to follow each step — verbatim. I knew nothing of what I was doing. But when I pressed "play" — woah. I felt like a professional audio engineer. Haha.
I have no words to describe the feeling I got that day. I produced my track. Myself. And I could do it however I like, adjusting based on my artistic instincts. This freed me like nothing else. Suddenly, the sky became the actual limit for me as an artist. I could do whatever I wanted on the mic, and express myself as colorfully as I wished.
It took some initial back and forth with the final settings once the song was done. I uploaded a first version to streaming platforms that I replaced with a newer one. My favorite version lives on my YouTube channel. But I listen to it on all platforms to check the quality and enjoy myself.
This song is more than just melodies and effects. It's a bit overdone at times for my future-experienced-producer-self. While the verses come from personal experiences, I haven't invested myself entirely into writing them and focused instead on their being relatable. My center of attention with this track was its production. And it has been a significant milestone in my artistic journey.
It not only sounds good (What? I like it!). But it has a whole journey integrated into its 2-minute span.
I hope you enjoyed learning a bit about the context behind this track. Give it a listen if you haven't already!
Talk soon.
Best,
Rabih